Life Under The Heavy Things

2013 wasn't my favorite year. And it really didn't end well, with my dad getting so sick, out of nowhere.

Now, it's February 2014, and it feels like 2013 just won't leave me alone.

I feel like I used to be a blogger.
I used to be a CrossFitter.
I used to cook.
I used to read.
I used to have clean carpets.
I was working on a book, remember?

My resolutions for 2014 were to live in the restoration (1 Peter 5:13), to work less, to continue getting healthier. I want to be content.

I am so weary.
Almost nothing is going well.
I go to work - to relax. There is nothing healthy about that.

I miss my little normal, so much. I need that routine. I want my dad to get better. I want Michael to find a home health aide so that I'm not constantly on duty. I want to have time to blog and go to the gym. I want to have motivation to not eat fast food, and to cook the healthy, fun meals I buy ingredients for.

There have been really great and fun moments in 2014, don't get me wrong. And every weekend, I think "this week - it will be better."

Then - a setback.

Listen, I'm used to juggling.
That is my life - working in a demanding job that I love, managing my home at the level I like it to be managed, working around my husband's special needs.

I know how to juggle.

But when there are a couple of REALLY HEAVY objects out of balance - forget juggling. The heavy things just sit there in your arms. I'm carrying a lot right now.

I miss all of you. I miss pouring my heart out in my writing. I miss lifting heavy things and seeing my friends at CrossFit. I miss doing fun things with my husband. I miss seeing friends.

There are things I'm incredibly grateful for in this season - like my husband, my mother-in-law, my co-workers, my family, my friends and of course - Brokaw.

I don't really know what I'm writing, here. I'm just exhaling. Next, I'll inhale, and get back to those heavy, hard things that are my 'now.'

I miss the light things.