Anticipation

We've reached the days of my brother's girlfriend's pregnancy where we are all sleeping with one eye open, constantly checking for missed calls and text messages.

Baby Caplin Warren Brown could come any day now.

I'm so happy.
I can't wait to see my little brother become a dad.

But I would be lying to you if I said it doesn't sting.
Because it does.

Michael and I have been very open about our challenges in the baby-making department. Heck, we even went on national television to talk about it!

Well guess what? It still hasn't happened.
We really need to get down to the business of trying.
And we plan to do that by the end of the year.
So, it's no surprise that it hasn't happened.
But, it still stings.

I cried my eyes out when I found out that my brother was going to have a baby. I'll never forget it.

I was in the middle of an interview for a story about a non-profit decorating veterans' homes for Christmas. Chris called twice. I ignored the calls, then he sent me a text message.

"I'm having a baby."

I took a deep breath, turned my phone over in my lap, and continued with the interview.

I got in my SUV, texted him back congratulations, called my mom and cried, and pulled into the parking lot of a Starbucks, so I wasn't driving and crying.

I didn't actually go in and get anything, though. Isn't that funny? I just sat in the parking lot, crying, and fogging up the windows.

For about a week, I was so mad at God. How could this be happening? Why can't I make my mom a grandmother? Friends and family, and Michael comforted me.

Life went on.
Chris and Brandy came to visit and we went on the White House Holiday Tour.

He left to go overseas for his work.
I interviewed for, and accepted a new job.
Moved back home.
Did the TV show.
Found out that we WILL be able to have a baby, one way or another, one day.
Work consumed me.
I started working out, I've lost almost 30 pounds.

I was there as Brandy cut the cake and Chris watched via FaceTime to find out that little bump was a BABY BOY.

I have prayed and prayed for this child.
I was there as Brandy opened a million gifts at her baby shower, and I cried when her friend read a line from Chris during a game about making my mom a grandmother.

It's been a season of joy and anticipation.
This little CWB is so loved, already.

Now - if he will only come out and join us... so the real spoiling can begin!

Isn't he cute?

In the last week or so, I've been doubled over, feeling so sad that it's not my turn. And I hate that, but I admit it - it's the truth.

Look - let me be clear. I love my brother. I absolutely love Brandy. I know she is a great mother, and that he will be a great father, and I can't wait for the new life that baby CWB will add to our family.

I don't mean to make this all about me.
But this is my blog.
And I can't help but be real here.
That's why this thing exists.

I know I have more praying to do.
Because when I hold Caplin, and I look into his squinty little newborn eyes, I want pure joy. Pure love. Pure proud aunt vibes.

I don't want the sting.
I don't want the disappointment.
This is not his fault.
Or anyone else's.
He is exactly who and whose he is supposed to be.

This is my battle.
This is my journey.
And one day - it will be my turn.

One day, everywhere I look, there won't be pregnant women everywhere I turn and royal babies and ads on Facebook asking me if I'm about to be a mom.

Or maybe there will be, but I will be one of them, so I will escape the sting.

I don't know.

It's going to be a big week.
And I want it to all be good.

So, I sleep with one eye open.
I pray.
And we all wait with great anticipation.